We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
