omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
