After last night, I could never be a politician.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
