having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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