It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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