We won't sleep together?
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
no, he came in my armpit
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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