I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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