I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Randomize
