I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You're a waste of cheezeits
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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