my mouth tastes like poor choices
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
