just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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