I used to practice getting hit by cars.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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