Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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