I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
We left the knife in your bed.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
