Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
he fucked my hip out of place.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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