I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I stole a fireplace last night.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
