That arnold schwarzeneger picture looks strikingly similar to paul
Not half as good looking as paul
I'd say paul has bigger bicep peaks, but who am I to judge
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
