I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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