My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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