I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
