i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
