; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
YAS. BRING CRAB.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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