if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
