checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
