My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
