My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
