Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
