I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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