Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
