tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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