I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
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