My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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