i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
