he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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