I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
