I think I won the penis lottery.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
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