we have pet lesbian snakes
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
