I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
