Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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