She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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