This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Semen is not good for contacts.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
