Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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