Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
