Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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