What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
