You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
