The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
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