I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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