My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
