When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
