i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
