I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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