know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
You've changed since you got that strap on
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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