But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
