I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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