fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
