I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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