My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
