Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
